Hi world,
First of all, I do hope that you all had an amazing Christmas and a happy New Year. I know that it’s really late to say that now, but to be honest, I started writing this 3 months ago and back then it seemed like a good way to start out so I figured I would be sticking with it.
It’s now been a little over a year since my first post here on my blog. It’s been 28 posts so far and I stand by every single one of them. As you know, it’s been a lot of ups and downs the past year and during those bad periods there has been complete silence on the blog. I just didn’t have the energy to share what I was going through at that moment.
This current silent period is no exception.
I promised myself when I began blogging that I would stay true to myself and my story and share what I had experienced and whatever would come my way. That has been a really hard promise to keep. Some things have been harder to share than others. Sometimes the words flow so easily but this time I’ve been staring at my laptop, trying to continue my story and I know that I can’t. Not before I get this off my chest.
In my mind I’ve written down a thousand words to try and explain what I’m going through, yet I just haven’t been able to translate them down to my fingertips and let the familiar dance with the keyboard play out everything that was in my heart and mind.
The truth is that I’ve been at my weakest and darkest place that I’ve ever been in my life. What I’ve been fighting to survive and run away from for so long finally caught up with me and I simply broke. Depression and anxiety finally got the best of me and it’s been one hell of a fight to survive it. Even though I hate to admit it, it’s not a battle I have won yet.
I’m a little bit stronger now though, but I still have a long road back to life. Every day is a battle to get out of bed, but I’m doing it the best I can. Some days I fail but most days I do manage to leave my bedroom. No days are good days anymore but some days are better than others. It’s really just a question of how bad of a day it has been.
I realize that all I can do at this point is take one step at a time and give myself the time it takes for me to be better. It’s time to give myself the time to feel everything I’ve tried to run away from for so long. It is so hard because in reality I want to run in the opposite direction, I don’t want to dive into that sea of despair and heartache because I’m afraid that it will swallow me whole. I fear that I’m not strong enough to keep myself above water long enough to not drown.
Honestly, I’m so tired. I’m exhausted from running and trying to be something I’m not. Trying to be happy when everything is hurting inside is the hardest thing to fake, yet I’ve managed to do it for almost two decades… I’ve done it for all the people in my life that depend on me to be okay. I can’t do that anymore.
I’m at the point in my life where I just want to be free and I want to let go of the pain I’ve been carrying for so long. I want to be genuinely happy, not just because everyone in my life needs me to be. I want to be happy for me… and I can’t remember when I last was.
So this is me trying to get back on track, and not fighting to stay and act perfect because I know now that I never will be, no matter how hard I try.
Mostly, I realize that I can’t be what I want to be before I get better, and even though it sucks to admit… I need help to do it.
I wish you all a very happy upcoming Easter.
Nothing but love,
Maria
The Happily Ever After 