As you might have realised if you’ve been a follower on the blog for a while, my life has always been a whirlwind of ups and downs. That has not changed – unfortunately.The truth is that because of that I’ve always known that everything comes with a price, even happiness.
It seems like this cosmic balance that always keeps me grounded, even though there’s often a slight imbalance to the bad side of life. The truth is that I never really get to be happy for a long period of time before the wheels of fortune plays it’s wicked game and it comes to collect the dept for my short-lived happiness.
As I’ve come to realise, I’ve been battling depression and anxiety my whole life which explains so much that I have not been able to understand before now. You all know that my real battle started 4 months ago and even though I still have a long way to go, I truly felt the veil of my depression lift – at least for some time.
It gave me a chance to feel again and I will never be able to describe just how liberating that was. To feel passion, love and to laugh more than I’ve probably ever done in my whole life. I felt better, almost good… but like I mentioned, it’s a feeling that I never get the chance to get familiar with because it rarely ever last long enough.
When I finally reached the part of my journey, the more liberating part, where I could slowly but surely fight my way back to life and not to mention my job and carrier, I got a call from my work saying they wanted me to come in for a meeting. Previously, I had suggested that I could come back at 25% with 75 % sick leave – doctors orders. Nothing was set in stone but I thought it was good way to show that I really wanted to come back – maybe even before I was really ready for it.
The truth is that I, without doubt or questions, thought I had the backup from the company. I had been putting a lot of effort in to showing them just how badly I wanted to work there, and once in a blue moon I would get some praise that would get me to push forward and give it my all, even though my breaking point was getting closer in the horizon.
Getting the depression was definitely a big setback, but I was determined and planning on returning stronger and better than ever… To take over the whole freaking company one step at a time basically! Haha!
Skipping to the actual meeting, I can tell you that it went south really fast. The second I sat down, their agenda was painfully clear, unfortuneately.
As they kept talking, my suspicion was only confirmed. It was clear to me that they weren’t interested in helping me getting back to work on part time and it was clear that they didn’t really care about my mental state or health and I was hurt by that.
My teamleader, with an HR representative as a backup, basically said that I had to go back to 80% as written in my contract or they couldn’t get it to work with my colleagues schedule. In reality, this wouldn’t really have been such big of a problem, because my doctor would have gladly extended my sick leave for 2 more months if that was the only option.
It was like watching a train wreck happening right before my eyes, before it actually happened. I could do nothing to stop it and I knew what was going on. I saw the manipulation and coercion happening. I knew where they were going with it, even before they spoke the words. My mind was 10 steps ahead of them, but I had no fight left in me. I gave up and I let them force me into resigning. I was crying, I couldn’t hold back the tears because I was too busy holding back a major anxiety attack. I was enraged, hurt and I felt betrayed. It triggered my anxiety on a level I hadn’t felt in a long time… Yet, I wasn’t about to let this happen right in front of them.As I got the paper to fill out my resignation in front of me, my hand was shaking. It was difficult to breathe as I saw them look at me, looking like their plan had played out perfectly. To fight to hold back my true feelings was one of the greatest battles of my life, and I struggled to fill out the paper work. I just wanted to get out of there – before my anxiety would take over and I no longer would be able to control myself.“Under reason for your resignation, you can just write that you are leaving the company because you need time to get back to health and to work on yourself… or something like that” the girl from HR coerced me. So that’s what I wrote down… I had no energy to write the truth: That I had no other choice because it was either all or nothing to them…
As I put my signature on the paper of lies and deceipt that would now over-shadow my exit from the company, I tried so hard to be gracious, with every fiber of my being, I tried so hard to not give them that satisfaction of seeing just how hurt I was. I tried so hard but the tears just wouldn’t stop coming. I hated myself, I hated my body for betraying me. Most of all I just hated how weak I was to not be able to put my foot down and say “I understand what you are saying, and it’s really no problem… Let me just call my doctor and ask for 2 months extension on my sick leave”.It took all that was left in me to not run out of there immediately. My breathing was shallow as I politely said goodbye, and I was feeling dizzy. The tears were stinging in my eyes and the walk out to the car from the office felt like hundreds of miles… my feet were heavy and I could barely contain myself. When I got into the car and closed the door behind me, I broke down. I was exhausted, I was so drained, so crushed and so defeated. I felt useless and unimportant as we drove away, and all I was left with was HR’s last words to me. They were ringing over and over in my head: “It’s just a job… It IS just a job”.
No. It was not just a job. It was something I truly loved and I excelled at too. It was a place with friends, people and customers I cared about deeply… Was I too emotionally involved with my job? Hell yes! Was I able to let work be work when I got back home? NO!
I felt passionate about my job and my role in the company and the Danish team. I took responsibility when I shoulnd’t and I had so many ideas to make our team the best one yet…
Looking back, it’s clear that I was only speaking for deaf ears. It’s sad but true… It is my truth and I will never be able to see it in any other way.
I gathered the last bit of will and wrote my now former colleagues. I told them exactly what had happened, even though I didn’t really have the strength or energy left to talk about it. I was drained beyond believe and I just wanted to put it all behind me as soon as possible.
I received the most heartwarming messages with words of support, encouragement and love…
Those girls are amazing and I’ll be forever grateful for their support after my exit at our mutual workplace. They have made the short time there so great and they have both taught me so much… Most of all, they have ensured me that I deserve so much better than how I got treated… and I finally believe them.
One day I will get back to work, but never in a million years will I go back to that company, because I could never work for a company that treats their employees that poorly at their weakest. It simply goes against everything I stand for…
Now more than ever it’s time for me to work on me without guilt of not being able to do my job, at a company that doesn’t appreciate my effort and commitment anyway.
My most important job now is Maria, and only God knows how much she deserves and needs this time, attention and love that I’m going to give her now.
Nothing but love,