FINALLY I have time to sit down and write the next chapter of the story of how I got to where I am today: THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
It’s been 2 months since I posted the previous chapter, so I realize that this is highly over-due. I just hope that it will be worth the wait! Haha!
Nonetheless, I hereby present:
December started pretty amazing with a visit from Orz, as you read in chapter 8. However, when he left to go back to Sweden, I was struggling. It was unbearable being away from him.
It was taking its toll on the both of us pretty quickly, and we knew that it was only a matter of time before we couldn’t do this kind of relationship any longer.
By mid December, I hit a new kind of low. Orz was coming back to spend ten days with me during Christmas, and I was excited for our first Christmas together. I couldn’t wait to see him again. It felt like forever since I had last been with him, even though it had barely been two weeks. The wait was literally driving me crazy.
One day close to his return, I was in a really shitty mood. I hated being away from him, I hated not feeling him close to me, and I realized that I was almost at my limit already. I knew that time was up and there was a decision that needed to be made. I simply couldn’t postpone it any longer. The unspoken question that had been lingering in the air for the past month needed to be answered… Denmark or Sweden?
I knew that if we were ever going to have a real shot at being together, one of us would have to give up their whole life, sacrifice everything and everyone we loved. Orz would have to give up his job, his family and friends… not to mention his two sons, Eddie and Levi. I, on the other hand, would have to give up my dream home, the house I had bought, fought for and loved since the very first time I stepped inside it. The house I had called home for 5 years, the house were I had build my breeding business with my 5 Bernese Mountain dogs. The house with the yard were I had buried 2 of my first dogs, because I thought that this house was going to be my forever-home… If I had known that it wasn’t the case, I would never have buried them their. Ever.
I would have to move away from my sister, my other half, and her 2 adorable children that I had loved like they were my own, and who loved me equally in return.
How could I ever give any of that up?
How could he? How should I ever be able to let him make that sacrifice for me?
I was heartbroken.
The night before coming back, Orz called me like he would do every night. This time it was different though. Without really having it thought it all that well through, my logical sense of reason started speaking over my heart and mind: “I’m moving to Sweden”. Orz was quiet for a while, hell I was too, until he finally asked me if I was sure… “I can’t make you give up your children for me. I can’t be the reason why two little boys will grow up without a father, like I did. I can’t put anyone else through that,” I said while the tears was running down my face. It made perfect sense. It was the only logical solution to our problem… So why was it hurting so bad?
My heart ached in my chest, and it was a horrible, stabbing pain, that left me almost breathless. I knew what this meant. I knew what the price would be for this logical explanation: sacrificing everything else I loved…
I broke down and I was inconsolable. I cried my eyes out and it was like a never ending stream of proof of the pain I was feeling inside.
Orz tried his best to comfort me over the phone, but it wasn’t at all working. “Baby… I can’t let you give up your house, your dogs and your family” Orz said quietly, obviously hurting too. “I can see how much it hurts you to make this decision, and I can’t let you do that” he continued.
Before he said anything else, I pulled myself together long enough to stubbornly answer him: “I have made my decision… It’s the only way for us to be together”.
Just like that, my whole future changed, and it was so hard to wrap my head around. My future had been so certain up until that moment, and now I didn’t know anything anymore.
I fell asleep that night with Orz on Skype, knowing that the next day we would be in each others arms again, and without realizing it myself, I fell into a restless sleep.
I don’t think it is to surprising when I tell you that Orz and I had ten amazing days together. We visited my mom, my sister, her husband and the kids. We spent Christmas together and it was now clearer than ever, that he was worth the sacrifices and the pain I was carrying in my heart.
With him next to me, I publicly announced on Facebook that I would shut down my business and that I would have to find new homes for 2 or 3 of my dogs, and that I hoped for peoples respect and understanding, because it was a horrible decision to have to make. And it was.
My dogs had been my life, my babies, for so long, and no matter how much I wanted to bring them all with me, I knew it was impossible to bring all five of them to an apartment in Stockholm…
Before he left, Orz and I talked back and forward to decide which dogs to bring and what would be best for them. I chose my oldest male, Ludwig and his youngest son, Chubby. My oldest dog, Hailey, would stay with my ex, so I knew that I had to find homes for Chubby’s two other siblings, Walther and Willow.
This choice was tearing me apart, but at least for the night, I could curl up in the arms of the love of my life and just let it all out. Tonight I didn’t have to deal with the pain alone, because he was right there with me, not letting me go even for a second. Orz was my whole world now, and with him by my side, I knew I could get through anything. I had to.
New Years Eve I spent with my sister, her husband, the kids and the dogs. It was bittersweet. Not just because I was sick, but it was so hard to be around them and appreciate their company, knowing that in the matter of months I would live several hundreds of miles away from them.
A part of me wanted to push them away, thinking that it would be easier for all of us if we just tried to forget about each other, because it hurt so bad to know that I had to leave them and it hurt loving them so much. However, it hurt me more not being with Orz.
At 1 am on that cold first night of january, my sister and I dressed warm, and went for a walk to look at the fireworks. This was one of the hardest walks I would ever have to walk, having my arm wrapped around hers as we looked up at the sky, letting the beautiful lights in the sky distract us for a second from the pain we were both feeling. We walked for almost an hour, before I started crying for real, and I just couldn’t hold it back. On a corner between an ending road and another beginning, she hugged me tight, let me cry on her shoulder and told me that everything would be fine.
Eventually she started crying too. It’s a rare sight, because she is always my rock, always comforting me… but for once, we were comforting each other. She had been so supportive of my love for Orz, because she could see how happy it made me, so she promised herself that she wouldn’t show me how much it hurt her that I was leaving. She was determined to keep that promise, and she did, right up until that moment. She hugged me even tighter, knowing that the second we let each other go, it wasn’t just letting go of a hug, it was letting go of the life we shared, and never thought would change.
But it was time for me to get my own family, and we both knew that Orz was my way to get that… My future was in Sweden with Orz and the kids. It was finally time for me to do something just for me, and it was probably the first time I ever really had.
My sister ended up adopting Willow that same night. It was bittersweet leaving her there the next day, but I was happy that there would be a part of me left in their home when I no longer could be around.
My ex decided to keep Walther shortly after, so everything basically turned out great in the end, at least for the dogs. My heart is till this day however, still broken. It still hurts… I still miss them… and even though I know that I have no reason to feel guilty, I do. They were my dogs, and I gave them up. I know that they are happy where they are, but I just can’t shake the feeling that they belonged with me. But I guess that’s just something I have to live with…
My 2016 definitely started out with a lot of hard choices and lot a lot of sacrifices were made, but it was needed. I needed that to do that so the love I felt for Orz could get the chance it clearly deserved. It was hard, and it’s still hard, but I’m just so happy that I’ve got an amazing family behind me that helped me getting here by supporting me and loving me, and most importantly, never giving up on me…
That’s all for now, guys! Take care till next time!
In case you missed out on the previous chapters, here’s an easy way for you to catch up!