It’s me again. Finally.
I would like to say that there is a good reason for my absence, but there really isn’t. Sure, there has been a lot of changes in my life lately, but it shouldn’t have been an excuse at all. I love blogging… Yet, somehow I managed to neglect it, and I forgot that it’s not a job, it’s something I’m doing for me. It makes me feel better somehow because it makes me deal with my feelings, which I’m not really that good at to be honest. It has been too long since I have really sat myself down and felt whatever is raging inside me and asked myself why I’m feeling like this. But I guess that this is me… doing that… now.
The truth is that the last months, I have been struggling. Not just with one thing, but a lot of different thoughts, feelings and hopes and dreams, and it has left me feeling beyond overwhelmed.
Clearly something changed in me when I hit 30. It’s weird, because age is just a number to me. I have always considered myself an old soul, so I turning 30 was really no biggie. Yet, it changed everything.
I don’t know why or how it happened, but a couple of months ago I simply started to feel restless. It all started right before my birthday and it slowly crept up on me. I didn’t even see it coming and I never expected this to happen to me.
At first it was really just a bunch of new ideas coming to me at the same time. New ideas and ways for me to provide for the family, help out in any way I could, like starting a business, be my own boss, be able to work from home with many different business ideas. On top of that I really wanted to start studying again, so I could finally get that degree and prove to myself that I CAN. I thought for a second that I had found my purpose in life, just to find out a week later that I really hadn’t, and it left me feeling empty and confused. I felt like one big question mark: WHAT SHOULD I REALLY DO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?
As a decoy of the lack of purpose in my life, trying my best to avoid that question, I started dieting, and I lost a lot of weight actually. It felt good, and everything was really great for a short while. I was finally on the right path, at least health wise, and honestly, I was enjoying the change, feeling empowered by this success.
However, as if all of that wasn’t enough to deal with, something else started happening too. It was like a lightning strike from a clear blue sky, like snapping my fingers: just like that, without any warning what so ever – not even believing it was really a thing – my inner clock started ticking. LOUDLY.
For the very first time I felt a part of me change, wanting more, missing something deeply. I noticed how I was kind of nesting, saving clothes from Eddie and Levi that was clearly too small for them both, telling myself that maybe, just maybe, we would need them some time soon. Hoping…
The people that knows me, also knows that getting pregnant is a big deal for me. Mainly because I have been “barren” for 8 years. It didn’t matter much to me before, because I didn’t really want kids. But now, things are different. I have the love of my life next to me, and all of a sudden I find myself dreaming, wishing and hoping to give him a child. Honestly, I would love nothing more. It would be amazing to get to experience that kind of love and all of a sudden, I want I more than ever.
It’s funny really, because a part of me has always been so afraid to want that, in case I couldn’t get it, which turned out to be a good thing, since I can’t get pregnant the “natural way”. Yet, here I am… Wanting it, dreaming about becoming a mother, and I’m terrified. Sure, all hope is not lost yet, and we still have to see what the doctor says, but I don’t need to hear the prognosis to know that the road ahead will be long and bumpy, and maybe it will all be in vain in the end, you never know.
I tell myself that it is okay if it never happens, and that is only partially a lie. I have two amazing stepsons already and I love them as if they were my own. That is very true… Still, I’m not their mother, and no matter how happy I am for them that they have both their parents in their life, it makes me sad, because I’m left with this empty feeling. I find myself being drawn more and more to this motherhood that most 20-something and 30-something women are hyped up about. It’s like a part of me is yearning for that undeniable connection with someone, a miniature part of me. Motherhood… Loving someone more than anything else in this world and getting that same love in return. Now, I want to experience that too… and wanting it has left a void in me somehow, and no matter how much I love Björn and he loves me in back with everything he’s got, that void just can’t be filled until I experience this. At least, I don’t think so.
I caught myself the other day envying the pregnant women around me. Not an all-consuming kind of envy, because I am honestly overwhelmed with happiness for them. However, it does feel like taking a stab directly in the stomach every time I hear the words “I’m pregnant” from someone and it’s a horrible feeling. It’s the last thing I ever wanted to feel.
I guess that that was all it took for me to begin this existential identity crisis that I’m clearly in now. Ugh… I hate it! Honestly, I don’t know what I should do, what I should want, what I need, what I need to do, what to do when or how… I feel lost.
I feel like I haven’t accomplished anything in my life other than loving Björn whole-heartedly, and since I clearly can’t do whatever I’m put on this earth to do as a woman: making babies, I just feel the need to do everything else at once, trying to catch up with everything I have missed, and it has just sent me on this downwards spiral. My business ideas are on standby, my one cheat day on my diet turned into a week, then a month and even though I’m trying to turn it back around again, it’s hard because I feel like shit. Guilty for failing the diet, guilty for not blogging, guilty for the not contacting the very few friends I have left, guilty for not letting Björn in, guilty for pushing everyone away… and as a result of that guilt my mood is just shitty. I’m tired, I’m confused… I have a million thoughts in my head, like a thousand voices that just won’t shut up, always discussing which way to go, what to do, when to do it, how to do it, and I’m left torn. I’m simply just overwhelmed. My thoughts and feelings, as you can see, are all over the place and it has made simple things like writing the blog feel like running a freaking marathon. Most of my days I’m just full of hopelessness, because I’m not able to see my way out of it. I feel like I’m fighting the battle of my life against myself, which is so stupid, because I have been through far worse than this. Yet, I have probably never felt more drained than I do now. I guess that’s what you get when you are your own worst enemy.
Björn has however been a great support in all this…. when I have let him, which honestly hasn’t been that often since I’m more of a “suffer in silence” kind of person. I am not good at asking for help, even if I really need it, at least not before it’s too late and I’m already coming crashing down. I guess that it’s yet another thing that I need to add to my list of things I need to work on.
For now, I guess that the only thing I can do is take one step at a time, solving one problem after another and hopefully, I will get where I’m supposed to be eventually, having everything figured out.
One thing is certain – as long as I have Björn, I know I can get through anything, and yes, maybe it will take more time to get through this than I want it to, being a very impatient person and all that, but I guess that’s okay too… To be fair, it is kinda about time that I take the needed time to become the best me I can possibly be. For Björn, our kids but most importantly: myself…
Take care till next time, guys…
It’s about time for me to get back and tell the story of how I got my happily ever after, but in the meantime, feel free to catch up on the previous chapters below: