It’s me again! Haha… Shock, right?
Today I am finally going to share with you, the honest tale of how my forever really began. If you are confused by the tittle, don’t worry! It will all make sense in the end. Curious yet? In that case, please continue reading…
After everything I had gone through the past year, I felt like I was finally experiencing true happiness, something I had only ever seen small glimpses of it here and there throughout my life. It’s sad, but true. Before Orz, I had never truly felt happiness – at least not in that way.
As I grew up, I always knew what kind of guy I wanted to end up with, but as the years went by, it became more and more obvious that the guy simply didn’t exist. I dreamed of a guy that could make me laugh till I couldn’t breathe, someone who would adore me, love me through my darkest hours, support me and push me when I would be feeling scared, carry me when I would fall, and it turned out to be nothing more than an imaginary list of qualities and personality trades I longed for in a partner. Nothing more than a simple dream…
However, now he was right there; The most perfect man on this earth. The man who had been described and dreamed about for years in my mind. He found me, he fought for me and now, he was all mine.
It seemed like all the roads and bumpy turns had led me straight to him. He was my reward for everything I had ever done right. He literally had no flaws in my eyes, and I completely adored him. The best part of it all? He was just as crazy about me. He always made me feel incredible. He made me feel good about myself… He made me believe that the happily ever after was possible to achieve, even for someone as broken as me. Somehow, he even managed to make me feel less broken…
Basically, he was everything I needed and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. I couldn’t believe that I, of all people, would have so much luck and find that perfect someone who just completed me in ways that I never could have imagined. The one that would come to make me grow as a person and who loved me, all of me… Good and bad. Everything was literally perfect… like taken straight out of a story book.
Obviously, it was a very stormy romance from the get-go, and it was all-consuming. We were flying so high on love, it literally felt like we were on drugs. My heart grew bigger in my chest every day as my love grew for him, and I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone else.
It felt like destiny. Fate had brought us together and somehow, we got a second chance at love.
Orz had been married before, just like I had and I think that neither him or I believed that those marriages would ever end. We were both in it for the long run. Therefore it seemed almost impossible that we would ever be able to find a love like that again or even just something remotely similar. Somehow, we did and it was nothing like we had ever imagined or experienced before… It was magical.
When we first started talking online Orz had told me that he was living under the same circumstances as me. He owned and lived in an apartment in Stockholm with his wife, but they were however separated. He was going to get his own place, but for now it had just been easier for them to still live together because of the kids. The marriage was however long over, he told me.
I believed him. I mean, who am I to judge or doubt anyone? I was living under the exact same circumstances, and I sure as hell had nothing left with my ex-husband. My marriage had been over for years.
Only 2 weeks after I had declared my love for Orz, he booked a flight back to Denmark so we could spend a romantic weekend together. It was exciting and I literally got sick from waiting. It was torture… Every minute apart from him felt like it was slowly killing me.
In the meantime he did however have to go on a pre-paid vacation that had been a gift from his parents. It was a family vacation, so they would all go and he explained to me that his ex also was invited since she still was a part of the family. I thought it sounded reasonable since they were clearly good enough friends to still live under the same roof, but I didn’t exactly like to think about them being on a vacation together.
When he left, I was sad and frustrated. It felt awful knowing that for the first time in what seemed like a year, we would have to go hours and hours without talking. We were so co-dependent already, and other people were probably thinking that we had lost our minds. And maybe we had… There was definitely no doubt about us being crazy in love!
We spent most of the evenings on Skype together, even though he was on a vacation with the family. We simply couldn’t help ourselves – we were miserable when we weren’t talking and it was a long week to say the least.
By the time he was finally back home in Sweden, he basically only had one day to sort his things out before he was heading to Denmark again to see me. Time had gone by so slowly, but still I couldn’t believe that we were already there. It had felt like forever since I had last seen him. Every damn second had ticked by so incredibly slow, and my patience was running thin.
That same day, Orz called me on Skype with the whole: “Baby… There is something I need to tell you” seriousness that would come to send chills through my whole body. There was no doubt about it; it was bad news.
A million scenarios were playing out in my head, but deep down, I already knew what he was going to tell me. It was something I had suspected already, because well… I’m not stupid. The signs had clearly been there and many times in fact…
“Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know. I don’t want to hear it” I begged. I knew that the second he told me, our perfect relationship would be anything but perfect and I was no way near ready for that.
“Baby, please… I need to tell you this. I have to… I can’t come and visit you with this thing hanging over my head. I want to be honest, you deserve to know the truth” and that’s all I needed to hear to know exactly what he was talking about…
“I know that you are still married to her” I said slowly, interrupting his plea, still secretly hoping that I was wrong.
Orz swallowed and looked at me, hurt and fear written all over his face. “I understand if you don’t want me to come tomorrow, but I simply couldn’t keep this lie any longer. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth before, baby… I was just so scared that you would push me away. I was afraid of losing you…” the shame and sadness was overwhelming in his voice.
My mind felt like it was going to explode in a matter of seconds… My thoughts were overwhelming me and I didn’t know what to feel, say or even how to react. Just like that, our relationship that was so special and perfect to me, was nothing more than a trashy affair. I wasn’t his, he surely wasn’t mine. He was someone else’s and I was all of a sudden the other woman, and it was nothing like the fairytale I had been imagining.
However, the fact was that I was head over heals in love with this married man. It broke my heart, because I never wanted to split up a marriage. I never wanted to put another woman through that, and yet… There I was, doing exactly that.
I was so sad, so hurt and disappointed… so incredibly disappointed. I didn’t know how I would ever be able to look at him in the same way after he had betrayed me like that, but I loved him so much that I was willing to hear him out. There was clearly no excuse for his behavior, but if I was being completely honest with myself, he was right about one thing: Had I ever known about his marriage, I would have never agreed to meet him. I’m simply not like that, I don’t need to chase a married man… I never wanted to be the other woman, “the mistress”, not ever.
Tell me, what are you supposed to do in a situation like that? Let him go? Because that surely felt impossible at the time. Sure, out of respect for his wife, I probably should have said that he could call me back when he was single, but the truth is that I loved him more than I had ever loved anyone else. He was more me than I was, he was my other half and by now, I just couldn’t live without him, even if he had betrayed my trust.
“I don’t forgive you for this and I don’t know if I ever will, but I guess that we need to figure all of this out together, so I will still see you tomorrow” I said and Orz was clearly relieved.
By the time we ended the call, our future was all of a sudden blurry and seemingly out of reach… He had a lot to prove to me, because I was not going to be his second. I was going to be his only one. If he wasn’t going to leave her, I was leaving him. My mind was already made up… It was either me or her.
The next day I drove to pick him up at the train station, because well, it was easier. It was late in the evening, and it would give us more time together to talk. He had rented a cabin for us, and everything had been planned and timed to perfection up until the day before. Now, I just wasn’t sure about anything anymore. I didn’t know how I would react when I saw him, I didn’t know what I would feel. Would the feelings be completely gone? Would I end up resenting him for what he had done? Could we really move past this? Would this weekend be a waste of our time?
When the train finally arrived, my feelings and thoughts were all over the place, but in the blink of an eye, the raging storm within me had ceased. There he was, in the middle of the crowd at the other end of the platform… I would have spotted him from miles away.
He looked at me and smiled, anticipating my next move and that’s all it took for all my fears, disappointment and worry to disappear. It had been one month since he last walked out of a train towards me, but everything had changed. I was no longer unsure about anything: He was the one… my someone.
I ran across the platform and jumped in to his arms, tears running down my face as I hugged myself into him. I disappeared in his arms that still felt so perfect around me, and it was now more obvious than ever, that I belonged there.
We kissed and hugged for what seemed like forever. I never wanted to let him go, not even for a split second. I didn’t care about anything other than him and I. We were once again the only two people in the world and there was nothing but love surrounding us.
We had the most amazing weekend together, and by the end of it, I was even more in love with him than I was before and I was heartbroken when he left.
When he arrived back home in Sweden, he sat his wife down and told her everything, a couple of months too late, yes, but he was at least honest. There was no doubt about that it was a horrible conversation and it was hard being hundreds of miles away in another country, seeing him hurt like that. Even though he had been selfish, he never wanted to hurt his wife, that was more obvious now than ever.
Falling in love with me hadn’t been a plan of his… He hadn’t been looking for something else, it was just something that had happened, and it was devastating that she and the kids would suffer because of it…
However, what was done was done, and there was no longer any going back. The next step was to figure out how we would get our happily ever after together after all, because that wasn’t going to be easy.
We had clearly hit a very big bump in the road, but we had survived it together… Little did we know that the trials had just begun, and the road was still long and bumpy ahead of us.
To be continued…
To sum up everything:
Yes, maybe my “perfect man” wasn’t so perfect after all… Maybe our perfect relationship was founded on the wrong things, but it didn’t make our love feel any less. If anything, it made us even stronger, because we chose each other over and over.
Sure, it was a shitty thing he did, and what I ended up doing too. I’m not without blame, I made a choice in the end as well, but by then I was already too involved to just walk away. I simply loved him too much.
Yes, maybe it started out as an affair, and maybe that’s all people remember now… It was however, a short-lived one. It was 1 month, 2 visits, and yes, that’s more than bad enough. I’m not trying to make excuses for him or me, because it was a really shitty thing to do. Yes, we could have done it in a million other ways, but when you are in love all sense of reason leaves your body, and it’s easier to make choices you never thought you were ever able to make.
It was selfish and greedy, but you know what? For some reason I ended up loving him even more because of it. How could I not? In the end, everything he did was for me and him, and no matter how wrong that was, it only felt right for us. We were drawn to each other like magnets, and it was impossible for us to ever let each other go.
Nothing but love,
In case you are sitting there with a feeling of having missed some details, here’s a link to the previous chapters to easy catch up with all the missing pieces of the puzzle. Happy reading!