You know what?
It is now one year ago since I moved to Sweden, and I can barely believe it. It’s crazy how fast time flies… One year ago, my happily ever after began. How amazing is that?
I still feel so incredibly lucky every single day. I have everything I could have ever hoped for, so tomorrow, when it is my 30th birthday, I literally have no wishes at all. My dream already came true last year and that’s more than enough for me!
However, it’s not quite time to talk about that part just yet, because we still have some other chapters to go through first, and the next one, I have for you right here…
The following day I was home and so was Orz. I already missed him, but some distance wold be good for us. At least that’s what I kept on telling myself…
We quickly decided to Skype since that was much easier than the constant texting. Also, it felt only natural to do that after our weekend together. Normally I would always feel a little nervous as the call went through. I don’t know why really… Maybe it was because he always had that undeniable effect on me. I was never able to control myself or concentrate around him, not even when he was hundreds of miles away, only looking at me on a computer. The distance didn’t really change anything. If nothing, meeting him had made it a little worse, because it felt like I had a million butterflies waking inside me at the same time.
Orz popped up on my screen, handsome looking as always but the disappointment on his face was evident as he said: ”Your camera isn’t working” . He was pouting, and it was so the cutest thing ever!
We kept on talking about everyday stuff, while I tried to get the damn camera to work. I could still see him in my upper corner and I could hardly take my eyes off of him. I had a smile up to both ears because of him. (How do I know that you might ask… Well, my cheeks were hurting, almost cramping. I didn’t need a mirror to realize that it was because I was smiling too hard).
Suddenly, his face lit up in the most amazing way. He had the biggest smile on his face and his eyes sparkled like stars on a freezing-cold winter night. His smile was blinding and he looked like all his worries went away in that exact same second. There was no longer any question about my camera working or not. His face had instantly answered that for me…
“Hey Shorty” he said with that deep, sexy voice that I’m still till this day, completely weak for, complementing it with a look so full of love.
I blushed hard as I said hi back. I looked at him and his stare was so intense and there that nervous tingling began spreading through my body. I hardly knew what to do with myself. I was uneasy in my seat and there was no place to hide.
In a desperate attempt to take the focus off of me, I casually said: ”Well, someone looks like he’s in love…” trying to joke my way out of this uncomfortable situation. I didn’t want him to realize that I was completely crumbling before his eyes, and I thought that it was the perfect decoy to switch the focus on to him.
I honestly expected him to make a joke too, to goof around or something… Instead he just looked at me with those big brown eyes that I could disappear in and look at for days at a time, seriousness was written all over his face. His lips didn’t hesitate one second as he let the words out:
I swallowed hard, and if I thought that I was blushing before, it was nothing compared to how my cheeks were blazing red now. My face was literally burning. I wanted to run away, which was actually my usual M.O. when feelings got too intense for me to deal with or if I wasn’t ready for them. This time however, I managed to overcome that feeling and I stayed right were I was supposed to be.
Still, I couldn’t believe that he had been so straight out honest about his feelings though. He basically just put all his cards on the table, showed me his hand and the next move was clearly mine…
I remember how embarrassed I felt over my own bluntness… I mean… Why on earth would I ever blurt something like that out? I’ve always been a strong believer in the whole thing with “Don’t be asking questions if you don’t want to hear the answer“, and even though this was more an observation than an actual question, the same rule still applied. I wasn’t at all expecting his answer. Nope, not in a million years! Maybe that was because I was still clinging my cards to my chest, protecting them with all I had left in me. I wasn’t at all ready to show my hand yet.
I managed to keep it somewhat cool after that though… at least I think I did! Haha! I don’t know if my poker face was even the slightest bit believable or if he saw right through it, but he never called my bluff. At least I managed to make myself believe it and that is a victory on its own, right? Haha!
We changed subjects and ended up talking and laughing for hours. When I finally went to sleep that night, I felt my heart beating a tiny bit harder in my chest than usual with an unknown purpose… A purpose, I would literally have to figure out the hard way.
By Wednesday morning he sent me a song, which really wasn’t that unusual, but this song was a major game changer for me.
This song… Wow… It hit me so hard, but it was a hit I clearly needed.
It was probably the saddest song I had ever heard. All of a sudden everything made perfect sense. That song was a perfect fit to his situation.
I hadn’t really ever sat myself down and thought about the consequences of the decisions I had made up until now. Of course I had known that it wasn’t easy for him, but I had been completely oblivious to the fact that he was in pain. Clearly he was hurting and with good reason: He was in love with me, and more so than I had ever thought he would be.
It made me so sad, because the last thing I ever wanted was for him to hurt because of me.
At the same time, I got an overwhelming feeling of being so loved. I mean, how amazing is it that you are someones rain in a desert… their heaven? Even if it is just a metaphor, it just speaks volumes and to me, it is a privilege very few people get to have in their lifetime. Very few people get to experience a connection and a love like that…
Yet, there I was… doubting if I would ever have the courage it would clearly require to take that last step and leap ever the edge, trusting that he would be right there with me and let it be up to fate to catch us, but I wasn’t at all ready to take that chance and I wasn’t even sure if I ever would be.
I knew that he deserved better than what I was offering him, but I also knew that I couldn’t bare losing him. I knew that being together would be impossible for us, because I wasn’t about to let him sacrifice anything for me. What kind of woman would I be if I let him leave his kids behind so that he could be with me… I wasn’t about to even give him that choice, so I had to do it this way, even though he was obviously hurting and I was too. Therefor we completely avoided talking about all the difficult things the next couple of days. Instead, we joked, laughed and everything seemed great, even though our hearts were clearly torn.
When Friday came around, I had a surgery around noon. I was scheduled for a simple, standard procedure of getting my gallbladder removed. I had been admitted to the hospital three times within 6 months with severe gallbladder attacks, and they finally agreed to give me the surgery to relieve me from my almost constant pain.
I had never had any kind of surgery done before that, so that morning I was nervous. I talked to Orz on the phone, and he made me feel a bit more calm about it. He was my biggest support, and I don’t think I could have gone through it without him. He made me laugh so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and he managed to dull my anxiety a lot.
Prior to the surgery I was told that I was going to be back home around 3 pm. The surgery was scheduled at 12, so it seemed like there was nothing to be nervous about. The surgeon was so confident and almost brushed it off like it was just any other ordinary, easy task. I really wanted to believe that, but still… there was just something uneasy about the situation, I just couldn’t figure out what.
I tried hard not to be too superstitious even though it was Friday the 13th and that weird, uneasy feeling that I couldn’t seem to shake, was making me more and more nervous. I decided to call my family one last time before the surgery, just in case.
When I talked to my mom, I told her that if something bad happened, she should know that I loved her. She scolded me so bad for that and so did my sister when I called and gave her the same speech. They both thought that I was being overly dramatic, but I didn’t really care. I was just making sure that they still knew how I felt about them, and that was what mattered to me.
Till this day I’m glad I did, because it sure came very close to being the very last thing I would ever say to them, because apparently there was a lot of complications during my surgery and I basically almost died.
I remember I was dreaming while I was under, and only one person was on my mind: Orz…
However, I was violently woken up by the nurses, who was shaking me and yelling. I woke up confused and groggy and to an unbearable pain in my abdomen. I only remember small glimpses here and there. My body went into shock, I couldn’t speak, I was barely conscious. I was shaking because of the intense pain. Honestly, it was the most pain I had ever felt in my life. It was hell and it felt like chaos around me.
It was already 5 pm – 2 hours later than when I should have been back home according to the surgeon, and I was no way near able to even stand on my own two feet.
The nurses told me later that it had been a successful surgery and that I had a tube in my belly that they needed to pull out before they could send me home. I still had a hard time understanding what was happening and just like that, without any kind of pain relief, she dragged this long, thick tube right out of my body. I remember wishing that I had died on the table. The pain was unbearable and I almost threw up. It’s literally the scariest thing I have ever experienced in my life.
Usually, I’m not the one that cries because of pain, but I was bawling. I was inconsolable. I was scared.
After a while the nurse finally sensed that I wasn’t at all able to go home, so they admitted me instead, thinking that I just needed some extra time to wake up properly.
My boyfriend had been waiting patiently for me to get out of surgery for hours, not knowing anything. He had been scared shitless and when he finally saw me, he was so relieved and happy to see me. I didn’t exactly share that same enthusiasm. All I wanted him to do was call Orz and tell him that I was okay. I was completely gone on drugs that still didn’t dull my pain, I could hardly speak or think even, but still I begged him to call Orz. He didn’t want to do that, because like he said: “Orz can wait”…
Orz could most definitely not wait!
I stubbornly managed to take my phone away from him, find Orz’s number and call him up myself. I needed him to know that I was okay. That was my number one priority. It took all the strength in me… so much so that I can’t even remember the actual call, I have no recollection of what he said or what I said for that matter… I just remember hearing his voice and that was the biggest relief of all.
To make an already very long story a little shorter, it was hell the hours to come and the night that followed. I called Orz again later, crying my eyes out. He was helpless in Sweden, but he was the only one that managed to calm me down just a little bit. I was just in so much pain and the nurses were completely incompetent. I was so upset, crying so hard I almost couldn’t breathe. My anxiety was through the roof and I couldn’t find rest at all since they had put me in a room with 3 others that not only had visitors, but also watched TV very loud.
All I wanted was rest and it was impossible for me in that room, so I sat on a chair in the hallway for 1,5 hour crying before a nurse eventually offered me another room. Finally I could get some rest and some time later I managed to fall in to an uneasy sleep, because I still was in so much pain.
The following day they sent me home saying that everything was normal, even though I was in a lot of pain. They told me that pain was to be expected after a surgery, so I believed that.
What I didn’t know, because the doctors failed to tell me, was just how bad the surgery actually went. I wouldn’t find out about that until a week later when I went to my own doctor complaining about the continuing pain in my stomach.
He told me the most chilling words I have ever heard in my life: “Maria… After everything you went through in that surgery, you are lucky to even be alive. It’s incredible that you are even able to sit here in front of me right now. You should still have been in the hospital…” which basically explained all the pain I was still in and why my recovery would be extremely long.
My boyfriend drove me home, and on the way I received a message from his fiancé… Basically all his lies unraveled in just a matter of seconds. She didn’t tell me anything that I hadn’t already suspected. It definitely was over between us.
He had to go home and talk to her and would come back the next day so we could talk it through, even though there was barely anything left to talk about. I didn’t want to have anything to do with him what so ever. I was done, but apparently he wasn’t. He was desperate to explain himself and I didn’t have the strength to argue with him.
As I was waiting for my soon-to-be boyfriend to arrive the next day, I was Skypeing with Orz. We talked about everything that happened and he was so relieved that I was okay. He told me he had been worried sick and that it had been hell for him waiting for my call, when I heard a car pull up in the driveway.
As I was getting ready to end our video call, but my heart took over and started talking faster than my brain could follow… There was no stopping it this time. “I’m going to end it with him… I can’t do this anymore” I said softly and looked up at him. This time I was the dead serious one, and it was written all over my face. He asked me if I was sure, and I just answered with nothing but the truth: “Yes… Because apparently my heart is in Sweden…” .
As the words came out of my mouth, I almost couldn’t believe that I was finally admitting to him and myself that my heart was his and I now realized that it had been for a very long time.
His face lit up… So did mine. No more words were spoken. We didn’t have to. I guess we both knew that this was it; the early beginning of forever.
We hung up, I took a deep breath and I prepared myself for a long over-due conversation.
The truth is that I wasn’t even the slightest bit sad when that so-called relationship ended.
In fact… For the first time in a very long time, I felt truly free. My heart was no longer heavy or torn. I was happy… so incredibly happy. For the first time in what seemed like ages, I let myself be in love and it felt incredible. Finally, I understood that the purpose my heart had been beating with for so long was Orz. He was the reason, he was my purpose, he was my everything, my reward for everything I had ever done right in my life. He was my destiny…
All of a sudden, my worries were gone, and I knew we would make it work, because we both wanted it to. I didn’t have all the solutions just yet, but I had faith that we would find them together.
So the morale of this story is simply, guys: Life is short. Take the leap! Don’t pass up on a chance of loving someone and them loving you. It might be the most important thing you will ever do in your lifetime after all. I wish that I didn’t have to almost die for me to realize that. However, I’m just thankful that I eventually did… Almost dying was one of the best things that ever happened to me, because it made me ready to take that leap and love without boundaries.
Take care till next time, guys!
Nothing but love,
In case you are sitting there with a feeling of having missed some details, here’s a link to the previous chapters to easy catch up with all the missing pieces of the puzzle. Happy reading!