The next part of the story is here, and yeah, it’s not exactly a part of my story that I’m particularly proud of, but none the less, it’s just how it all went down. I don’t have a problem with admitting that I made mistakes, I made a lot of them actually and I hurt people around me. There is no excuse for that. That’s why I’m not trying to make myself come off as perfect, because I’m far from it.
However, I refuse to let my mistakes define me. My mistakes don’t make me a bad person, it makes me human being. Do I wish I had done things differently now? Sure! But at the same time, those mistakes also helped me get where I was supposed to be, and I might not have been able to take the final step if I hadn’t fucked up everything first. Making the mistakes made me realize just exactly what I needed to do to be happy…
Orz and I didn’t exactly manage to keep things friendly the following weeks leading up to our meeting. Actually, the subtle and respectful Orz was nowhere to be found. He had been so low-key up until that point, but not anymore. The gloves had come off. Most of the time we spend talking on the phone or texting, he was straight up smooth-talking me. The worst part of it all, it worked. It worked so damn good. I was weak when it came to him… Every word he wrote hit me and with every text, every call, he lowered my defenses and broke down my walls… We were so far from friends, even if I didn’t want to admit it.
The days went by so fast and before I knew it, we were less than a weak away from our first real life meeting. I was excited, but I was also panicking. I knew that it would be hard to keep it friendly, especially when he was smooth-talking me like that all the time, but I was determined to keep it casual… Not because I had a boyfriend, because I honestly didn’t care much about him after all the lies he had been feeding me, but for the sake of my future. The relationship with my boyfriend was already over for me, I just hadn’t told him that yet. He had been one of my biggest mistakes I had ever made…
However, I wasn’t exactly done making mistakes just yet, because at this point I was probably more desperate to not fall in love with Orz than I had ever been, not even realizing it myself that I already was. I just wasn’t ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.
So when an ex of mine asked me to hang out one day, I didn’t exactly struggle with saying yes. I needed to get away from home and take my mind off of my own personal drama. It seemed like it was a perfect way to do just exactly that.
This ex of mine and I had some unresolved issues after our break-up. We had never really gotten the closure we needed to just move on and forget about each other, so he was usually my go-to guy when things failed. That, and we had always had a lot of sexual chemistry too, making it even harder for us to be around each other and just keeping it in the friend-zone. I told myself that it would be different this time, and that I was only going there to have a break from everything and think about something else for a change.
Needles to say, it was far from friendly, and we ended up having sex on his couch and I had been naive to think that it wouldn’t happen.
I drove home, and this time I had definitely succeeded in complicating my life some more. I knew that I had a lot of explanation to do. I wanted to just be honest about what had happened because I was done lying, it wasn’t worth it, and when I came home that night, I told Orz everything right away.
I expected him to be upset, sad or something, but he simply laughed it off. Admittedly, he didn’t find it particular great what I did, but he told me that he had seen it coming, and it had actually been fairly obvious to him… Had I really been that predictable?
Orz always managed to surprise me with how well he knew me. He knew me better than I knew myself, and that’s probably why he had known what would happen. Still, he didn’t waver. He didn’t give up on me. He saw something in me, something I wasn’t able to see myself: my worth, and that was exactly why he stayed on track with the meeting, at least that’s what he told me later on.
The truth is, Orz was just amazing and sweet and he definitely didn’t deserve yet another one of my indiscretions. It made me genuinely sad that I kept on hurting him, and I kept on asking myself what the fuck I was doing… I was a mess, fucking up my life, making the worst decisions ever. It wasn’t like me at all… It was like watching a train wreck happening right in front of my eyes, not having the slightest chance of stopping it, because I wasn’t ready to do what needed to be done. Not quite yet at least.
My so-called boyfriend should have been my first priority, I know. I should have felt guilty towards him, he should have been the first to know. He was the one I should have been begging for forgiveness, but I didn’t. Honestly, I never felt like I had cheated on him, so I didn’t feel the slightest bit bad about it. Orz on the other hand, was a whole other story though. Even though him and I were only ”friends” I still felt like I had cheated on him, and it felt awful… I cried when I told him and apologized, and he just said: ”Baby… Don’t cry… I’m still here”, and I knew it was true. He wasn’t going anywhere…
I told Orz that it was his fault that it happened, in an attempt to lighten the mood a little and joke with him. That always made me feel better. ”How can it be MY fault?!” Orz laughed in shock by my accusation… I laughed too…. ”Well, if you hadn’t turned up the heat in our conversations and made me more sexually frustrated than I have ever been in my life before, maybe it wouldn’t have happened! You kinda served me on a platter there!”… He laughed, and he knew that there was some truth in that.
It was all just a joke of course, because it would probably have happened anyway. However, it was a really bad combination of panic, sexual frustration and the lack of satisfaction that had put me in my little predicament.
Well, the lack of satisfaction was clearly do to my new boyfriend’s lack of skills, stamina and imagination in the bedroom. That, and he also had the smallest penis I had ever seen in my entire life, I’m not even joking!
Before we ever had sex, he had been all like ”Mmh, yeah… Baby, you just wait till I give you my 8 inches…” and I’m not the one that cares much about sizes in the sheets as long as the guy knows what he’s doing, but he clearly didn’t. Also, I would like to know where the fuck he bought that measuring tape, because that was at least 3 inchess off! I was beyond disappointed when I saw what he had to offer! He had waaayy more dick in his personality than in his pants, let’s just put it like that!
I told my boyfriend the next day, expecting him to react and be upset. A big part of me hoped that he would just end the relationship, but he didn’t. He simply said: ”I love you and I forgive you. I don’t want to lose you”… and at that moment I lost everything for him. I mean, no one should ever accept something like that. Especially when the one that cheated isn’t showing any kind of remorse, which I honestly didn’t. I didn’t care that I had cheated on him. It didn’t make me feel guilty or ashamed, I just didn’t care. He could accept it or get out… I had no feelings left for him at this point, and the hope of him being the one that could help me keep my life in Denmark faded away as quickly as he had told me he loved me…. in a single heartbeat.
The truth is, after I found out that he was a pathological liar, and that the guy I gave a chance wasn’t at all the one I was in a relationship with, I stopped taking it seriously and that made it easy to cheat, because it never actually felt like cheating.
Anyway, Friday finally arrived and it was time to meet Orz face to face for the very first time. We had planned a weekend in a hotel in a town 40 minutes from my home. We had planned a night out with my friend to party and have fun, but first I would take him to my favorite sushi restaurant.
I was going to pick him up at the local train station… that was the plan, and I was right on schedule. As I parked the car, I suddenly felt okay with everything. I didn’t feel nervous any longer. A new boost of confidence had overpowered me and I knew I was ready as I walked toward the platform.
His train hadn’t arrived yet, so I waited outside in the cold. I liked how the fresh air kept me on my toes while waiting for him, oblivious to the fact that I was seconds away from having my life forever changed… I littereally had no idea what I was getting myself in to.
No idea at all.
To be continued…
Guys, I have literally asked myself a million times why I acted like that during those months leading up to meeting Orz for the first time… Honestly, none of them is any good. The closest thing I have to an explanation is that I think a very big part of me tried to sabotage everything, to push him away one last time. I mean, come on: IT HAPPENED ONLY 4 DAYS BEFORE WE WERE GOING TO MEET! Isn’t it obvious? My feelings were all over the place, I was panicking and I was scared out of my mind for what the future would bring… Going back to my ex, even if it was just for a couple of hours, was familiar and comfortable. It felt good to just forget about everything and give in to something that would press pause on the world outside. I needed that break from my internal nightmare, and that’s what he gave me.
Take care until next time, guys…
Nothing but love,
In case you missed out on the previous chapters, here’s a link to them below: