It’s time to continue chapter 6, as I promised.
Unfortunately, today’s part of my story isn’t exactly resembling the clear blue sky and the sunbeams streaming through my window. Actually, it’s fairly hard for me to think back on, even harder writing it down and sharing it with you guys. I told myself when I started the blog that I would stay true to the story but also myself, and that’s what I’m going to do…
As you probably read in the last part of this chapter, I had been juggling my feelings for Orz and a new ”relationship” for a while.
Orz and I talked every day, sending each other songs that made us think about each other, and it just felt so natural sending him pictures, sweet texts and quotes I found on the internet, even though I already had a boyfriend. Maybe it was because I never really took this new relationship seriously, I mean… How could I? The way it started was so absurd and I basically just went along with it, I never chose this guy… My heart never chose him, maybe because it had already chosen someone else…
However, it was really taking it’s toll on me. I don’t know if it was the fact that I basically juggled the two guys, talking to Orz every day, all day and spending my nights with someone else. Maybe I was just exhausted from pretending that I wasn’t already in love with Orz. Maybe I was tired from constantly fighting my heart, missing him, wanting him, knowing it could never be us in the end, because it was impossible. Faith was playing a cruel game and I was getting really tired of it.
I was constantly feeling torn. My heart and mind was screaming at each other every damn second of the day, and it drove me crazy. The truth was that I couldn’t do it anymore. I knew that my time was up and I had to make a choice. The fact was that if I wanted to keep my life as it was, I would have to let Orz go. I had no other choice, it was the only way.
Letting him go also meant that I could protect my heart from getting hurt again. Honestly, my heart had never properly healed in between heartaches… It was always a little broken and for every time the cracks got a little deeper and a little longer. My heart simply got a little bit more fragile as the years went by. Getting my heart broken again would surely mean the death of me, and I could never come back from that. Till this day I still believe it’s true.
I knew I wasn’t strong enough to actually have a talk with Orz about it, mainly because I knew that he would fight me on it, he wouldn’t let me go so easily. So I did the only thing I could do, I ignored his messages and his calls.
It wasn’t an easy decision to make, and I knew that I owed him an explanation, but I just couldn’t. I knew that he would make me change my mind, and I didn’t want that. This was the best for the both of us, even though it definitely didn’t seem like it at the time. Every message that ticked in, every voice clip he sent me was like a stab in my heart.
Ignoring him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, but I truly believed that I was doing us both a favor. I was doing it as much for myself as I did for him, and it took all I had in me to do it. I could have easily blocked him, but I just couldn’t take that last step and push the button that would end our relationship. A part of me needed a life-line, a connection to him, even though I wasn’t going to use it. I just needed to have a part of him still, even if it was just an unblocked phone number.
3 days later, I got a message from him: ”Shorty, I’ve sent you something. It should be in your mail box by now. Let me know if you got it…”
I was so confused, but I was also curious to see what it could possibly be, it never occurred to me that I had never actually given him my address.
In my mail box I found a handwritten letter addressed to me. The stamps were from Sweden and the sender was unknown to everyone else but me. I opened the letter, hands shaking…
I just wanted to send you a letter with 3 fun facts about me.
- This is my shitty handwriting…
- At the back of the letter you can see my actual hand size 🙂
- This is how I smell (hope you like it)
Btw, the circle in my hand… that’s where my lips have been. I kissed it so now you have my DNA, hahaha!! /Someone”
I turned the letter and saw the drawing of his hand, and I couldn’t help but smile. This small gesture was exactly what I needed. I smiled so hard and tears was filling my eyes. It was just so cute, and I knew that it was impossible for me to stay away from him.
After 3 days of silence, I finally wrote him back. I could sense his relief when he answered me. Hell, I was relieved too. I had missed him so much. However, it hadn’t changed anything. I was still involved with someone else, and I was determined to make that work. I still needed that to work, because if it didn’t, I wouldn’t have a reason for not giving Orz a chance.
I apologized and tried to explain to him that I was just too afraid of falling in love with him, and that was the honest truth. I had been scared out of my mind, I was still scared, but not talking to him was worse. Not talking to him made me feel hollow inside and I hadn’t been really happy without him.
By now, I knew I needed to tell Orz about my relationship. I was done lying to him. He deserved to know the truth, so I told him everything, hoping that it would make it easier for us to just be friends.
Orz was probably disappointed, but he understood and he took it really well. Some part of him probably also knew that I had a lot of feelings for him, hoping that I just needed time to figure that out myself. But for now, being just friends could be the title we needed, even though we both knew that, somewhere deep down, we were anything but…
Later that day, Orz caught me completely by surprise and told me something that would make my heart stop for a moment and change everything. He was coming to Denmark in a couple of weeks. He had a course there and he was hoping that I wanted to meet him, but it was no pressure. He understood if I couldn’t.
Up until now, I had been postponing meeting him, and I probably never would have accepted that he would travel to Denmark just for me… However, this was different. He was going there for work, not me. It was the chance of a lifetime, and I just couldn’t say no, even though it scared me out of my mind.
In the mean time, I found out that my so-called “perfect” boyfriend was nothing but a liar. The other shoe had finally dropped! That gut feeling I had been struggling with our entire time together, was explained. He was not a firefighter as he had told me, he was a cab driver. He didn’t have two cars… Actually, the car he had offered me once was his fiancé’s whom he was living with AND who also was the mother of his two children.
He had always told me he had sooo much money, earning soooo much on his stocks, but he made the mistake of showing me his accounts one day. I don’t remember why. It was probably in one of his many attempts to come off rich, I don’t know. However, I could see that he had only earned around 400 $ on his stocks in the year he had them. Oh, and he also had 560.000 $ in negative balance on his account, but I wouldn’t find out about that before much later.
It was so fucked up… I mean, it was so absurd and it was hard to believe that people would actually do that, lying like that. I know, I should have just ended it, but I honestly felt like I needed him. I forgave him, and it was fairly easy since I wasn’t in love with him and after that, I knew I never would be. He was clearly in love with me, and maybe that would be enough as long as I could keep my house, my home that I loved so much.
Who knew… Maybe I would some day feel something for him. We would just have to work hard on that relationship to make it work, and I was willing to do just about anything… Anything but letting Orz go again.
To be continued….
Wow… Looking at all of that, I’m honestly almost out of words. It makes me so sad, because I know how much I actually ended up hurting Orz during this time. He always kept on a brave face and never let me know just how much he was hurting, how heart-broken he really was. Instead, he was just always there still, a constant support and I loved him so much for that…
Yes, I was completely fucked up in my head back then… I couldn’t think straight, I was so confused… I was putting so much effort into fighting the inevitable that I ended up hurting Orz more than I ever thought was possible. I was too fucked up to see it back then. I couldn’t even see that I was hurting myself in the process…
It will probably take me a lifetime to forgive myself for hurting Orz like that. If I could, I would take it all back in a heartbeat, but I can’t and I guess that it’s just a part of our story… Maybe we had to go through this to truly be ready for each other in the end.
Our story isn’t nearly over though. Ufortunately I had some more mistakes to make, and I will tell you about all of that in the next chapter.
Take care till next time, guys!
Nothing but love,
In case you missed out on the previous chapters of my journey to my happily ever after, check them out here: