Wow, this new chapter took a lot longer to write than I expected it to, but I’m finally ready to share it with you guys! Here it is:
As I mentioned in my previous chapter, It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn, I had just accepted to go on a date with a guy back home in Denmark. This was my last desperate attempt to try and forget about the guy, Orz, that I had been talking to online for a good while.
This date was my way of trying to keep everything I had worked so hard for up until now… my house, my breeding business, my family… and it was with this mentality I went on the date.
This guy had seemed really funny, he was a firefighter and he was always super confident in himself. However, he just wasn’t anything like that in real life. It was an awkward date, and I remember thinking ”Wow… What an arrogant bastard! He’s not at all good enough looking to be that arrogant” still, I decided to give it a chance, because maybe he was just nervous. He seemed so restless and stiff the whole evening, but we managed to joke a little bit too, and that made me stay despite of my better judgement.
When we were getting ready to call it a night, I could feel that he was trying to drag out the time, and it was just weird. It felt like he wanted to kiss me, but something was holding him back, so he didn’t. I didn’t have time for him to decide if he had the balls to actually kiss me, so I just hugged him and said good bye, thinking that I would probably never hear from him again.
Surprisingly, he texted me 5 minutes later. He apologized for his behavior, excusing himself with the fact that he had just been so nervous because he thought I was so beautiful and so out of his league. I found it charming that he showed his vulnerable side, which is rare these days, and I decided to give him another chance.
After only 3 days of talking on the phone and texting back and forward, he told me he loved me. It freaked me out! I mean, who does that?
(Okay, talk about having double standards here! Haha! The first time I talked to Orz on the phone a couple of weeks later, I actually ended the call with an ”I love you”. I would like to argue the fact that it wasn’t at all the same, because I never intended to say it, it just flew out. I was so embarrassed, because again… WHO DOES THAT?! I panicked and told Orz a fragment of the truth: that I was just so used to always saying it to my friends when I ended a call, so it only seemed natural for me to do it with him too. It didn’t scare him off, instead, he just laughed at me like he usually did and said it back. From that day on, we always ended our conversations with an ”I love you”).
I wasn’t at all ready to say it back, and he understood, but instead he started referring to me as his girlfriend. At this point I was like: ”Erh… okay? We haven’t even kissed or anything and now you call me your girlfriend? What’s wrong with you?” but I ignored it and saw it as a clear opportunity to distance myself from Orz. Maybe being called someones girlfriend would be exactly what I needed to be able to do that.
(Hint: It wasn’t. No matter how much I tried, Orz was always on my mind).
Speaking off Orz, I actually didn’t tell him that I now was someones girlfriend, at least not at first. I don’t know why… Maybe it was because I just couldn’t take that last step and cut him out of my life, like I needed to. We were connected in some undeniable way, and no matter how much I tried fighting it, I still always came back to him.
Orz still wanted to meet, but now I had an even bigger reason for why we shouldn’t and it made me feel sick to my stomach… I hated lying to him, but I couldn’t tell him the truth either. I knew it was only a matter of time before I needed to let him go, and even just thinking about it broke my heart.
At the same time, my gut feeling was telling me that there was something wrong with this new guy. He seemed too good to be true, too perfect, but I couldn’t quite put the finger on what. I chose to confront him about it, and he simply answered ”babe… I’m just that perfect. I’m real, and I’m yours”.
I didn’t believe him, but then again, he hadn’t given me a reason not to. I didn’t have anything else to go on other than my gut feeling, which I wasn’t at all on good terms with at this point, so I chose to let it go.
(Note: Don’t EVER ignore your gut feeling! Even if you don’t have a reason to believe it, do it anyway because it’s usually always right!)
Anyway, I did a lot of live streams back then and Orz would always come in and speak to me. It was here we really started to bond. One day, I asked him if he could do a stream for me so I could see him too, and he did. It was basically the complete opposite of what I should have done, since I was trying to forget about him… I just couldn’t. I had to know more, I had to see him.
I joined his stream, and he was so CUTE and clearly nervous. He talked about his work, and I couldn’t help but compliment him on his smile, and he looked a bit shy for a moment. He looked better than I had imagined, and that didn’t exactly help my situation either. Not only was he good looking, but he was also the sweetest guy I knew and he could always make me laugh like no one else…
I wanted him all to myself, so asked him if we should Skype later instead, and that’s exactly what we did.
I remember sitting there in front of the computer, and I was so nervous when his call popped up, I almost didn’t answer…
I had been streaming online for thousands of people many times, not feeling nervous at all, but it was different with Orz, it was always different with him.
I finally answered, and with red cheeks I said Hi to him for the very first time, staring into his brown eyes on the screen. He smiled at me and I quickly realized that he had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen. He simply took my breath away.
I could barely look at him without blushing hard, so instead, I talked and talked because that’s what I do when I get nervous. I avoided all eye contact, I simply couldn’t get myself to look at him, but I always felt his eyes on me…
After a while he asked me: ”Can I tell you something?” I looked up at him and answered ”sure”, and tried to swallow, but my mouth was dry and the anticipation was unbearable….
”You are soo beautiful, do you know that?” He had moved closer to the screen, indicating just how serious he was. I had been told that before, but until he said it there, I hadn’t really believed it. I was nothing special. I was just ordinary… but somehow, he made me believe it, even if it was just for a split second.
I blushed even worse than before and I just wanted to bury myself, end the call or just do something so he couldn’t see the effect his words had on me, but I didn’t… Instead I tried to fight my body’s response to him, but it was a hopeless battle, and then the worst thing happened… I giggled! I fucking GIGGLED!! Like, OUT LOUD! I was mortified, but Orz found it to be so cute and funny that he made it his mission to always say something that made me giggle from there on. I hated that I no longer had control over myself, because up until now, control had always been my go-to safe zone, and that was now gone when he was around.
When we ended our first Skype call, it was more obvious to me than ever, that I really needed it to work out with this other guy, so I once and for all could put my feelings for Orz aside, so I tried my best focusing on that.
When my new ”boyfriend” and I met 9 days after our first date, he didn’t hesitate when he saw me. He kissed me right away and it was just as stiff and weird as our date had been. I tried to keep an open mind, but it just felt off. My gut feeling was screaming at me that everything about it was wrong, but I chose to ignore it. My gut feeling was unreliable, because it had also told me that I should be with Orz, and that was clearly not right, so how could I ever trust my gut after that? It wasn’t like Orz and I could just run off into the sunset together, hand in hand… It was never that simple. The fact was that we could never be together unless one of us sacrificed everything, and I didn’t want that for either of us.
I guess that’s why I so desperately needed it to work. IT HAD TO WORK. Honestly, at one point, I actually could see a future with this other guy, at least a practical one. Maybe it wouldn’t be the perfect love story I had always dreamed of, clearly it wouldn’t be anything like being with Orz, but it didn’t mean that we couldn’t still be happy, right? It was clearly worth living like that so Orz didn’t have to give up his kids, and it was worth living like that so I didn’t have to move away from everything and everyone I loved…
Sure, this other guy was sweet and attentive and I liked that he always made me a priority, but it was never enough to make me fall in love and it was definitely never enough to make me stop thinking about Orz…
And that’s the end of the chapter 7, but I promise that the next part will be posted soon.
Nothing but love,
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