After all the drama last week, I’m finally back on track with the blog and it feels great!
There is still so much to deal with though… I’m still really sad and I’m nervous for the future, but at this point I have done what I could. Now its all about letting time do it’s work. Of course I received some more messages both on here and on Facebook after my last post, but like I said in the end of My Blog, My Rules, I’m simply not going to comment any further on that. To quote Friedrich Schiller: ”Against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain”, so there’s no point in continuing that argument, it’s simply a waste of energy. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life, especially not now.
Anyway… Up until now I have shared my story about my failed marriage, my current relationship with my ex and my life leading up to my divorce. This next part of my story is about the following year after my marriage was over, which in many ways it was a very long and painful year. It was a year full of heartache and crushed hopes and dreams… a complete resemblance to my actual marriage! Haha!
…Welcome to the story about my year of kissing frogs.
In the very end of my marriage, I was extremely lonely and depressed, which didn’t change when my marriage finally ended. Frankly, it only added fuel to a blazing fire.
At this point in my life, I hadn’t been able to work in 3 years due to a back injury (I will return to this subject later on) However, since I wasn’t working, I had a lot of free time on my hands and like I just mentioned, I was lonely.
One day I stumbled upon a homepage that was kind of mix between Facebook and Instagram. It was an international site, an online community with people from literally all over the world. The community was called Likes and for someone like me (that has never travelled or experienced other cultures) it was exciting, to say the least.
When I first joined the site, it was a lot different from what it is today… Even the name is changed! Back then a profile was private, which meant that it had to be a mutual follow for you to see other people’s posts and profiles and for them to see yours. That meant that you really only added people who you thought you had something in common with. It made it easy to bond with the others on there, and it was truly special. Friendships and relationships blossomed across borders every day, in spite of time differences and cultures and it was everything I needed to start believing that maybe, just maybe, there was something like that out there for me too… Maybe The One wasn’t to be found within the Danish borders. Just. Maybe.
The following months I had so much fun on there. I felt genuinely happy for once in a very long time. I had the funniest conversations, laughing so hard that tears would run down my face and my abs started hurting… I just felt alive again. Laughing was my medicine, and every night it was like going to a standup show with my closest friends, only we were the comedians. It was great.
That’s when Jason introduced himself. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into, but Jason would later become the guy that would make me feel more special than I ever thought was possible. He would be the one that would make me feel so, so loved and cared for, even though we had never officially met. He managed to open my eyes and build me up from rock bottom. He made me see myself in a whole other light. It was everything I needed… He was my light at the end of the tunnel and it made me think that maybe such a thing as a fairytale love would be in the cards for me after all. He made me believe in love again.
The thing is: It wasn’t love and it wasn’t a fairytale. It was all just a lie, and I was heartbroken when I found out. I was literally so heartbroken, I started to feel nothing at all in the end, and I guess that’s how the long and messy journey began for me with dating. I was numb, I didn’t feel anything and that should have been a clear sign for me to not date at all, but I missed the intense, happy feeling I had when Jason and I was a thing. I think that I subconsciously started looking for someone else that could make me feel just half of what he had…
During the time on Likes, me and guy called “Nobody” had become very close friends and we shared everything about each other from the very first moment we started talking… I thought he was just like me, and we bonded over that fact. We had a special connection from the start and we just understood each other. He was dealing with some serious health issues, and I was dealing with a broken heart. In many ways we taught a lot from each other and we called each other out on BS, forcing us to deal with our problems and not just looking the other way.
Pretty soon, we started spending more and more time together, skyping almost every day. One weekend we actually skyped for 40 hours straight… We took naps together, watched movies, played games… We never had a dull moment.
I don’t know when exactly it happened that I started to feel something more for him… At this point all I thought was that love was a lie and relationships were pretend. I had no hopes for the future and I was probably at the darkest place I had ever been before, but somehow, he changed that. He made me feel again… my heart started beating with a purpose because of him.
We met in real life after 4 months of texting non-stop every day, sending sweet quotes back and forward, talking on the phone and skyping. It was weird to finally take that step, but it felt as if we had always known each other. It wasn’t uncomfortable at all. It was natural. He knew everything about me, and I thought I knew everything about him. He always cared for me, trying his best to help me get back on track, and I think at this point we were more than just friends. He called us soul mates, and for quite some time, I actually believed it was true.
It wasn’t the story book kind of soul mates, the ones that are meant to be together. It was more like our souls where physically bound to each other in some weird cosmic way. Like they just recognized one another right from the start…. such a deep soul connection that when we later on talked less and less, we could still physically feel if the other one wasn’t okay. We were even having the same dreams about each other on a regular basis, and it was really weird. It felt like the universe was pulling us together again, and it clouded my judgement a lot. I thought he was a good guy, but again, I was wrong. I had been wrong about him all along… apparently, everything he told me was a lie too, because he ended up doing what he always promised me that he never would do: hurt me.
That was strike two and at this point I probably should have given up… and honestly, a part of me did.
I tried dating guys back home in Denmark, but no one could ever make me feel the way I had felt with Jason or Mr Nobody. These guys were boring, and it felt like I couldn’t be myself around any of them. The only thing most of them had in common with Jason and Nobody was that they were liars too and I caught on to that pretty fast. The guys that weren’t lying had commitment issues or just couldn’t make me feel what I was supposed to feel. Later that year, I found myself on a date with a guy and I had no idea what his name was. It was all I could think about during the few hours I spent with him, and it was clear he was nothing for me. I declined a second date. Dating was hopeless… I was hopeless.
Fast forward to September 2015, and right about here, a guy on Likes named Orz started to make his move. He was different, a little more subtle than they others had been. He took his time with me and I will tell you all about him in the next chapter…
To sum up this part of my life, I will honestly tell you that I’m not exactly proud of how often I put myself in a situation where I trusted someone or opened myself up to getting hurt… I was naive thinking the best about everybody and I’m almost ashamed of how easy it was for me to be lured in. But, you know what? I’m proud of myself for another important reason… I’m proud of myself for trying, and for keeping on trying even though it seemed like the whole universe was screaming at me to let it go. Something inside made me keep moving forward and no matter how cynical I sometimes was in the process, a part of me still believed that there was something out there for me. I guess I just had to let time do it’s work, because time was all I needed.
My heart was broken that year, yes, but I also got to know myself a whole lot better. I learned a lot about people too, men especially. Every encounter during that year taught me something different and it made me grow as a person. I went from being a girl who was broken down, who didn’t think she deserved a good guy, to being a woman who was ready for a real man. I didn’t see my own process back then, but it is clear as day now. That year matured me, and it made me who I am today – someone I am actually very proud of.
When true love came knocking on my door, I was ready to open up. Even though I had told myself the year before that I was ready, it’s obvious that I wasn’t. In many ways that year of meaningless dating and different men was my own destructive way of coping with my failed marriage. It took me 12 months to get it all out of my system… it took me 12 months to become me again, only a much better version. I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be, but the change I went through made it possible for me to pursue my happiness later on. I became ready to make the difficult choices and sacrifices. Something I probably couldn’t have done before any of that.
Honestly, it was a bad year, but I would never change it for the world. I’m thankful for the experience, what it has taught me and I’m not going to beat myself up over how I made it through to the other side. I might have taken the wrong road and a couple of de-tours along the way. but I eventually arrived where I needed to be… where I was meant to be all along… In Sweden, with the love of my life next to me.
That’s all for now, take care until next time, guys! ❤