Have you ever looked at your ex and thought: What the hell was I thinking? What did I ever see in this person? Was I drunk during the entire relationship?
Well, welcome aboard! I think that we all have one or more people in our past that we can put in that category and I’ve literally been asking myself these questions the last few days!
The truth is that if you had asked me last week how my relationship was with my ex husband, I would probably have answered ”Oh, him? Well, we are still friends. We can still talk and share things with each other, and I’m happy for him that he’s moved on and found someone new” because that’s what I truly wanted to be able to tell you…
However, the fact is that you can only be friends with someone who considers you a friend too… Or at least a person. Sadly, my ex-husband just doesn’t. Even though we ended things on good terms, he’s still lying to me, he doesn’t care what happens to me, and he has no respect for the fact that we were together for 9 years. Maybe that’s normal after a divorce, I don’t know… I haven’t had an ex-husband before and I guess I was naive to be thinking that he would be better as an ex-husband than he was as an actual husband, but hey – I can live with that!
There is a good reason for the subject today though, and it is recent events that has brought it all up. Here is the short version:
When I left Denmark, I let my ex-husband keep the house that we bought in 2010 and we still own. I tried my best to help him out by still being on the loan with him, at least until his financial situation was more stabile and he could buy me out. It meant an easy and new start for the both of us. Everything has been good for the last year, at least until 3 days ago where my bank called me with the news: He is abandoning the house and the payments. He’s choosing foreclosure instead of trying to sell the house, and now it’s too late for me to do anything.
The ridiculous part? We could have sold it a year ago and probably have gotten very little debt out of it. Instead, we are now facing a shared debt of 120.000 $ which sends the both of us into financial destruction. We will probably never own anything again, no house, no car, nothing of real value.
IT SUCKS! Not only because while he’s been in charge of the house, he has begun renovating the it by tearing it apart, but never finishing. The value of the house is therefor now at rock bottom, and seemingly, I have to pay for his mistakes, because I am still on the loan with him and therefor his debt will be mine too. That’s the price for being a good and helpful ex-wife apparently!
As you can imagine, I really wanted an explanation and when I finally got a hold of him, it was like talking to a complete stranger with no feelings or understanding whatsoever. I tried reasoning with him, making him see that this will destroy everything for him, but also for me. I tried my best to remind him of the fact that I’m a human being, and that his actions affects me deeply… That it was his choice to keep the house, that I had only helped him by not demanding to sell the house or for him to buy me out…
But I guess the joke is on me… No matter how much I tried reminding him of the fact that I’m not just any other person, but his wife… That we were together for 9 years and that I deserve some kind of respect and some decency … I mean, if he wants to destroy his life, by all means, go ahead, but he didn’t have to take me down with him. But like I just said: the joke is on me!
The worst part of this isn’t necessarily that he’s made this decision. I mean – fuck the house, fuck him and his future… But that I had to hear it through my bank… He didn’t even have the slightest bit of courtesy to call me himself and tell me. Do you know what that is called? A fucking coward and an idiot too! I mean, who the fuck chooses financial destruction when there’s still other choices like selling the house? Could he have treated me with any less respect than this? I don’t think so!
My boyfriend has warned me over and over again, about something like this could happen, and I told him so many times that there was nothing to worry about! I trusted my ex still, even after everything he had done and I really believed that he would think about his and my future if it ever came to that, even though it wasn’t a shared one anymore.
Honestly? I’m horrified and in complete shock… How can anyone be this level of selfish? How is it even possible to be this stupid and still functioning out in the real world? I mean, it’s almost at the point where you also need someone to chew your fucking food for you! And don’t get me started on his new girlfriend, because she must be right there on that level of stupid with him since she’s not trying to talk him out of ruining his future – and mine! They are expecting their first child within the week for crying out loud!
Call me stupid too for trying to help him, and yes, now I have to pay for that mistake, but I had never seen this coming in a million years – especially since it was always an option to just sell the house. No one forced him to stay there.
I shouldn’t have been surprised by this, though… after all, I’ve always known that he has never done anything in his life that didn’t serve him a purpose, he didn’t do anything if it wasn’t for selfish reasons. Come to think about it, how could I even expect anything else from him now, when by the end of our marriage he treated trash better than me?
So, if you ask me now, how I really feel about him… Like head on the block honesty… I will tell you that I hate him. I know, it’s harsh, but I do. I tried so hard not to, but after everything he did, after how he’s been treating me, I just have nothing left but hate. I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just feel nothing and that I could rise above it and be ”the better person”, but I can’t. I simply just hate him.
I have forgiven what I was possibly capable of forgiving, and it’s not like an overwhelming, all-consuming kind of hate, it’s just this tiny stain on my happiness. Something that is still left in me. No matter how much I have tried, I just can’t seem to let go of it, so instead I have stopped fighting it. I have accepted that it’s there. I’m not feeding into it or thinking about it (unless the subject comes up like now of course)
The truth is that I’m hurt, I’m sad, I’m frustrated, I feel used, I feel stupid… and I just can’t forgive him for any of it. I can’t just pretend that it’s all fine just because I’m happily in love with someone else. Everything he’s done is still a part of me – it’s a part of the baggage I got from my marriage… He broke me down, he left emotional scars on my soul… Now, he just chose to put some icing on top of that with adding on the shitload of debt too. DING DING DING – I won the freaking jackpot! – NOT!
In the end: I fucked up. I trusted the wrong person and it will have consequences, I just don’t know to which degree yet.
If you ask me what overwhelming feeling I might have after all of this, I will tell you honestly that I feel lucky. I’m lucky to have moved on to better things, I’m lucky that I’m no longer married to that person anymore. Maybe it’s a huge debt to get, but it’s a lesson well learned.
The best part of it all? I have the most supportive and loving man next to me. He loves me, regardless of the baggage I’m dragging after me in my pursuit of being good enough for him… Something I always feel like I’m failing at. He loves me, baggage or not. He loves me for the person I am, and honestly, I could never have asked for a better partner than him. He’s my rock. He’s the one thing I’ve ever done right in my life. He is my happiness.
I guess that truly being happy with someone else is the best kind of revenge you can ever get over an ex… and trust me, my revenge is the sweetest of them all!
On a happier note, chapter 4 is in the making and I can’t wait to share that with you… In case you missed out on the last chapters, there’s links to them below. Take care!
Nothing but love,
Feel free to keep on reading: