So this post you might call a spin-off from The tale of an Army Wife post last week, because it really got my thinking about my divorce, and well… divorces in general.
The basic truth is that so many couples gets divorced these days, you would think that they got paid to do so. Divorce has become so easy – and the mentality about marriage thereafter. They ask “Are you ready to get married?” and the answer will be “If it doesn’t work out, we can always get a divorce“… True… But I think that that is a damn shame. I sure didn’t have that mentality going in to my marriage. I was in it for life, at least so I thought. Well, I also firmly believed that Brad and Angelina would be a forever couple, and if they get a divorce, what does that say for the rest of us? We are officially screwed, guys!
I think their divorce sent shockwaves through most marriages at that time. Honestly, had I still been married to my ex, I would probably be scared out of my mind, as irrational as it may sound! Haha! I mean, during my 7 years of marriage, one of my worst fears was to get divorced, and that fear was often triggered when other couples split up. I hated it.
DIVORCE… it even sounds awful saying it out loud! No word has ever tasted as bad in my mouth as that, and just thinking about it back then made my stomach turn (maybe that’s only what a freakishly committed person would think and feel, I don’t know!)
But how do you even come back from that?! What could possibly be worse than getting a divorce?
Well, before I answer that, let’s rewind the tape just a little bit first and catch up…
Like you all read in my other post, The almost happily ever after, I got married young. We had our ups and downs, but mostly downs.
I guess that’s the story of how most marriages end in the first place, and maybe it was the early beginning of the end for us too. However, I had my mind set when I got married: This was my forever person, period. There was no going back from that. We were going to make it work, regardless of differences and other obstacles in our life… till death do us part and all that shit!
During the early years of my marriage, I managed to delude myself into thinking that it was okay to have all the problems we had (I deserve a freaking medal for making myself believe that kind of bullshit!) I honestly thought to myself ”Other married people have problems too – it is just like any other marriage…” (Spoiler alert: It wasn’t!)
To be completely honest to myself and you guys, I think that I was just scared of failing at yet another thing in my life. I think that’s why I went all in on being someones wife, because I was good at that. I was beyond supportive, I loved him even though he was a big selfish idiot most of the time, I sacrificed my dreams so he could live out his… I mean, that’s what you should do for the one you’re married to, right?
No. Just F’ing NO! Especially not if you are the only one putting in all the effort and sacrifices! You need to balance each other out for it to ever be able to work.
That’s it. End of story.
So why did my marriage really end?
I would like to point fingers and scream out loud ”MY EX – It’s all his fault, he’s the one to blame!” and there would be some (read: a lot of) truth in that… but in the end, it was me. I ended it. I gave up on him, on us. I was done. That’s the very short version of it at least.
The truth is that I could probably have stayed in my marriage. I could have kept on fighting, but I was tired of doing it all alone, and who could blame me? I had been doing that our whole relationship and I simply had no strength left to do it any longer.
To be fair, there was some selfish reasons for me to fight so hard for my marriage, though… I’m not gonna lie and say that it was all for him, because it was also for myself. As I already mentioned; at least at that point I was doing something right in my life…
However, you can only keep up the charade for so long. At some point you need to stop lying to yourself and realize that love just isn’t enough, and you deserve better than what that other person has to offer. You shouldn’t be willing to sacrifice yourself in the process of loving someone else. To love someone whole-heartedly and only get half in return is one of the most devastating things I have ever had to experience. It will literally kill your spirit faster than anything else on this earth. Trust me, I’ve been there. It’s not worth it. Not ever.
Sadly, I lost such a big part of myself while being his wife. I went from being Maria, his wife, to simply “His wife“. I lost myself in the whole process of trying to be the best wife I could possibly be to someone that was still only focused on himself and his work… someone that should have been trying just as hard to be the best version of himself, for me.
If there ever was a good time for getting a divorce, this was it, and I took it.
It was bittersweet when I signed the divorce papers. The guy I had spent the most of my adult life loving, now belonged in the past, along with our marriage and all the broken promises and dreams. Something like that stings, but it’s hard not to feel relieved relieved as well. Honestly – I felt free. I was finally Maria again. I had my whole life ahead of me… Only now, I had room in my life to dream again.
Of course it’s always sad when a marriage ends, but there is always one or a million reasons behind the decision. It does hurt getting a divorce, I’m not going to lie, but I read somewhere that divorce isn’t a bad thing, because no good marriage has ever ended in a divorce. I believe that is true!
So to answer the original question: What is actually worse than getting a divorce?
Being married to the wrong person. That’s worse than getting a divorce. ”The wrong person” doesn’t mean that they are bad people, it just means that they aren’t right for you. You aren’t meant to be together. Maybe you once were, but that chapter of the book is over, and it’s time to move on and start over. Sometimes things will go wrong because everything would have turned out worse if they hadn’t. Remember that.
I guess that that’s why it frustrates me so much that so many married couples stay together, especially if there is kids involved. I hate the excuses like: ”it is better for the kids this way”… No, it’s better for you, because then you don’t have to deal with it. ”Divorce is hard…” Yes, it is and it hurts. But that is a part of life. ”The kids are the ones who suffer”… I agree, but the same thing goes for an unhappy marriage! All changes are scary and difficult, and any child would want their parents to stay together, but not for any price. Trust me… And it doesn’t help them that you stay together until they are old enough to understand either – divorce only gets harder the older your child gets!
So, instead of focusing on all the downsides of a divorce, try and sit down and think long and hard about what kind of example that you are setting for your kids with your marriage. Do you really want your children to grow up looking at your marriage and think that that is normal or even okay? Don’t you want more for them? Don’t you want your kids to believe in the happily ever after kind of love? Don’t they deserve to strive after that in life? Do you really want your children to end up like you?
If you can say yes to all of that, by all means, go ahead… Continue what you are doing, it seems to be working for you!
…But if you can’t, then take a stand: Invest in your children, in their dreams, in their future! Make the difficult choices in life… Show them that you deserve more, that you won’t settle for anything that doesn’t make you feel happy. Your kids deserve to see you happy. I know it’s hard, and it takes a lot of strength and courage to step up and acknowledge that you failed, but teach your kids that it is a part of life, and that it’s okay to fail, as long as we learn from it.
Yes, sometimes in life things have to fall apart so better things can fall together. My story is no exception to that. I made mistakes, I fought for the wrong cause, I did everything I could to make it something right that couldn’t have been more wrong. I’m proud of myself for trying, but I’m even more proud for the fact that I stopped. I wanted more for myself, and that’s what I got. I just had to fight for what was right instead: Maria…
But as cynical as it may sound guys, divorce is kinda the new black, and sadly something many of us has to go through in our lifetime. However, it’s not tragic, it’s not the worst thing that will ever happen to you. Try it out. You might be surprised by how well it suits you after all!
Just some thoughts on the subjects, guys… take care till next time!